A Christmas Lesson

Many Christmas memories keep popping into my mind this year.

Most are really great memories....some kind of not so good.

It was the first Christmas season that our parents left us alone in the house. They were out for some evening event and we were old enough to be trusted alone....or were we?

Parents out for the night, Christmas tree up with gifts beautifully wrapped underneath, and way to much temptation for us "old enough to be trusted" kids.  I have no idea how old we were at the time, but I remember that we lived up on the circle. I am not sure whose idea it was, but in this story it will be my brothers plan. We decided to peek at our gifts. We carefully sliced the tape on each package so no one would know that we peeked. The trouble was that only 2 of us came up with this plan of deceit and our younger sister caught us opening gifts way before the event was to take place. The look of shock on her face told us that she was sure to rat us out to our parents. We then did what any respectable older brother and sister would do. We chased her, we caught her, we grabbed her shoulders and forced her to sit in front of her beautifully wrapped presents and open all of her gifts. If she was also guilty of peeking, she could not tell.

This was the perfect plan....except we were too young and dumb to realize that the tape would not re-stick to the package.

In the end we were all in trouble, and we all remember exactly what we got that year. This is also why each year I wrapped each child's gifts in a different paper and did not add labels to anything.

Perhaps it was a good lesson and maybe just a funny memory.

A Christmas Memory

My 2 kids could not have been more opposite. One demanded attention, the other was comfortable being by himself. One was a major drama queen and the other was content to sit and draw for hours. Yes, Amber was the loud one and Erik was the one who stood back and quietly watched things. Amber was quick to cry and point fingers at her brother and Erik was usually in trouble.

Many years later we have the proof of what I had long suspected.

A few years ago my dad had the old Christmas movies out for us to watch and enjoy. I smiled as I saw Amber at around 2 years old. She had on her pink satin dress and her tights and fancy shoes. She could twirl a dress like no other. She was really working the camera with her smiles and dancing. My then 1 year old Erik decided he would like to check out what was going on. As he toddled up beside his sister to get in the action, things got ugly. My beautiful satin dressed daughter got an ugly look on her face as she turned and pushed her brother to the ground. He fell backwards with his little feet flying over his shoulders. Was Amber worried he may be hurt?  No. She turns back to the camera and began once again to flirt with her audience.
It happened so fast that us adults were none the wiser. I always figured that half the time the wrong kid was getting in trouble.  I now have proof.

What a diva.

My Christmas tree angel

It has been in my mind to make sure that if something were to happen to me, my family would understand some of the Christmas decorations that I have. They may look like tacky little decorations, but they really mean something to me. While putting up our tree this year, Amber begged me to use her decorations. "Mine all match" she tells me.

 One of my very first memories, as near as I can tell, was of me looking at the top of our Christmas tree at an angel. I know I was not in kindergarten yet and I know we lived in the house at the end of main street. I can look at that house even now and  know where that tree was placed. I remember thinking that on the top of the tree was the most beautiful angel I have ever or would ever see.  I still have that angel. It is sad that now I can hold that then beautiful object in my hand and see that it is something similar to tinsel turned upside down and glued to a toilet paper roll. The wings, unfortunately now one wing, were cut from a sheet of tinsel, and to my surprise the arms are white pipe cleaners. It does not matter, in my memory she was beautiful. For fun this year I put her on the top of one of my trees and took the picture you see above.

 I don't use my childhood decorations any more, but they will always have a special place in my heart.

Net

A New Start

I am going to be a grandma.

3 years ago I may have viewed this differently, but now I see it as a little bit of Happy
coming our way.

As if a light bulb has been switched on,
I realized that I can no longer wallow in my

world of overwhelmed chaos (ha, humor) and I need to set things right again. My house is bulging with too much stuff. My head is filled with to much clutter (no jokes please). I feel that soon I will be seen on the TV show Hoarders if I don't pick myself up and get busy organizing things in my life.

This afternoon I have spent time cleaning. I have the American Vets coming on Friday to pick up everything from clothes that do not fit, furniture that has outlived its usefulness, and everything in between.

I have a boat load of things for the trash. When Erik was in elementary school, I sent a quarter with him for his milk money. I found out months later that he was not getting milk. No, instead he used the money to buy a pencil from the pencil machine. A good 18 years later those pencils are still packed tightly in a coffee can. Guess what, they are in the trash pile! That alone makes me feel lighter.
 I put away a hose that was lying on the ground outside
and I even "de-pooped" that back patio.
I am on a roll.

I guess it took the realization that I am going to be a grandma to help me realize that life moves on and we must not let the hurt take over our lives.

I am happy for this new start.

Net

A Thanksgiving Splat

This is one of my favorite Thanksgiving memories.

My kids were about 3 and 4 when the word Splat became the one known for desert. We were at my parents house for Thanksgiving dinner and there was an awesome looking raspberry pie for desert. Erik was not overly fond of most meals, in fact, more than one meal was spent playing with his toys under the dinning table. We grew accustomed to him spending time under the table while we ate, but this meal was different because

he sure did love pie.

We were all mostly done with our big feast when the anticipation of that pie got to be too much for my youngest child. He suddenly pops up and announces "I'm going to go get that pie!" Several of us shout no as he ran into the kitchen where that pie was setting on a counter that was several inches taller than he was. I had jumped up to follow him and caught up with him just in time to see him on his toes and reaching with all of his might to get that pie in his arms. As you can guess it fell to the floor..upside down.  Although I will never forget the sound of that pie hitting the floor, I also know that I would never be able to give it justice if I try to explain it. Lets just say that it sounded like a raspberry pie would sound as it splat to the floor.

My overly sensitive son ran to hide because he was afraid he was in trouble, and well, that pie just looked so good to him. One of my parents chased after him to tell him everything was OK. The other parent, I'm not sure which, helped me to scoop the upside down pie back into the pie pan. We giggled as our goo covered hands attempted to make that pie whole again. We continued to giggle as we proudly carried the pie into the dinning room where everyone, including my tear stained child,

 waited for us to dish out desert.  

Erik still smiles when we call a pie "Splat"

and this post has really made me laugh.

Net

Sesame Street

Every week I spend countless hours looking up guitar tabs for various songs per my sons request. I have added the song "It's Not Easy Being Green" sung by Kermit the Frog to my play list. This is one of the latest songs he has asked me for. At first I just smiled and shook my head knowing this is not an odd selection for someone like my Eg to ask for. Now as I listen to it, I realize that maybe it is a song that actually resembles how most all of us have felt at some time or another.

Hmm. Maybe the producers of Sesame Street really do know what they are talking about.

Net

My smiling friend

My friend Linda has been in my life since we were 15 years old. She is the friend that I have often called my personal cheerleader. The first thing anyone will notice about Linda is her smile. It is a smile that goes all the way from her heart to her eyes. Oh she has a temper, but even if I don't talk to her for long periods of time, I can see her picture on facebook and feel she is smiling at me.

We met as Juniors in high school. We were both new to the school but did not know that the other was also new. As Linda put it, we very shyly danced around the possibility of getting to know each other. It was a friendship that developed into a means of having someone to tell our secrets and fears to, knowing we would not be judged. We laughed a lot and were really kind of weird, but it did not matter because we each had found someone special to fit in with.

One time we bought these shinny jogging shorts and t shirts, hers was red and mine blue and when we would go jogging we were really really stylin! On April 1st I called Linda to go jogging. I told her to start running my way and I would run her way. I thought I was so funny as I tried to drive up behind her, planning to honk my horn and say April Fools.  Trouble was that she was a little faster than I thought and I did not catch up with her until she was almost at my house.

I think she is still pretty fast but I wonder if she still wears her 1978 style red jogging shorts??

It was with Linda, in the back of a 5th wheel on a camping trip with her parents, that I first mooned someone. There was a trucker driving behind us and we raised the curtain in the bathroom and stuck our butts up at him and then we laughed and laughed.  If you know me well you know that I have mooned many times since then, but I will always fondly remember the rush of fear we got that first time.

Not to date myself, but when we went to watch the first Star Wars movie we were really funny...or so we thought.  There were some really odd boys sitting about 4 rows up from us. Someone, and I think it was Linda, threw the first piece of pop corn at their heads. We thought we were the most clever girls ever born as we pretended it was not us hitting them in the head with popcorn.. Fast forward to us trying to make a quick escape after the movie. They caught up with us but we told them we had a party to get to and they were welcome to follow us. Who would have thought they would follow us 30 miles down the road before pulling up next to us and asking where the heck we were going.  We had no party to go to but we did have a curfew to meet.
As a joke I handed them our phone numbers out of the moving car window.

Little did I know that not only was Linda a fast jogger, she believes in getting even.  Remember that April fools joke?   Linda had Tom, a friend of her bother, call me saying he was the popcorn head guy and he was in town, can he come over? Somehow I studder some stupid answer and hang up. I immediately called Linda, I guess her mom was counting backwards from 5 and I did not disappoint them with my calling speed. Imagine my  shock when Linda hands the phone to Tom.

This blog has made me look back and find these silly memories.

They seem pretty dumb now but we had fun.

Love you Linda!

Net

A Stinky Halloween

You have most likely heard of a scary Halloween, but I am going to tell you about a stinky one.

A few years back our family went to several local haunted houses. Someone got the great idea to drive to Fremont. They have a place that takes a hay rack ride into the haunted woods. We all remembered it to be a pretty awesome place. It turned out to not be what our memory thought it was.

On our way home, I drove, my husband was in the front seat and my daughter and one of her friends were in the back. The ride to Fremont takes you on dark highways through farm land. For some reason, unknown to any of us, my husband loves the smell of skunk. One of these dark highways takes us past a dead skunk and he is more than happy to "smell it up before it gets away".
   

I hate the smell of skunk and should have known better than to make an issue of this smell.

The smell was so strong I began to gag as I was driving down the road.  Encouraged by my gagging and the laughter from the back seat, my husband opens his window all the way. I am now yelling and gagging because he begins fanning the smell into the car at me and shouting "ahh skunk yum yum". The back seat is laughing probably to the point of wetting themselves.  What could I do but pull over to the side of the road, which, let me tell you is no easy task while tears stream down your face. I did find the shoulder of the road and got out of the car just before "loosing it" (a small portion of my dinner, of course).

I was furious and the fact that I was the butt of the joke made me even madder. 
That was the last time ever that I will drive my family to haunted houses.

Happy Halloween Everyone!

Net

About my blog songs.

I know that I have mentioned being computer illiterate before. I have been wanting to put my music to my blog since the beginning. Today I have sat at this computer for 6 hours. I am just stubborn enough to not let the task beat me. I can finally claim victory. Let me tell you about my song choices.

• Let the Waters Rise - The song that has the line about being in the eye of the storm.
• Lessons Learned - I have just always liked the song, but the meaning has changed over the years for me. Not sure why there is a 06 before the title but for now it is there to stay,
• I'll Stand By You - Love the song, love the line - Nothing you confess, could make me love you less, I'll stand by you- I am thinking of incorporating this somehow in my tattoo (another story for another day). Songs can take on whole different meanings if you envision holding or rocking one of your children.
• Heal the wounds - I was inspired when I heard this song.
• Have You Ever Seen The Rain - A version done by the Rammones that I have sent to my son. He is going to learn to play it on his guitar for me.
• Jesus Take The Wheel - I did a post about this song and had wanted to attach it to that post.
• Crystal Ball - A song by Pink that my niece and I listen to when we are together. One time she asked me what it meant. I told her that I see it as meaning that years ago when I looked in the crystal ball I saw an easy life. My crystal ball is now cracked because life is not always easy. You have to learn to deal with setbacks in life.  She said ok and began singing it at the top of her lungs.
• 3 little Birds - We found this song on my sons computer. I am not wanting to analyze the reason he had a Bob Marley song recorded at this time, maybe he just thought it was funny. I am going to pretend that he was telling me that everything is ok. 
• Lean On Me - When looking for versions of this song I saw this one and was interested because it is  by a group or person called Stormy Weather. Curiosity got the better of me.  It is so strange that it just makes me laugh. I can see my daughter and sister and I trying to sing the dum dum's and do do's at the camp fire some night.  That's funny, I don't care who you are!
• Against The Wind - I did a post on this song also.

So there you have it. My song choices for now. Even if I am not happy with how all of it looks,
 I am so sick of trying to make changes to it,
 that this is it for now.

Net

The Holy Family Shrine

Today I went to the Holy Shrine located by my home town. I have always been interested in going there, but never really found the time. An experience that I had this week put this desire to go to the shrine back in my mind, That, and also my friend Suz told me she is volunteering there. Today I just had to go and I am so glad I took the camera, it is beautiful.

Last week our Pastor told us that if we did not listen close enough,

we will not hear what God is trying to tell us.

SO, I had a talk with God.

Through out my blog I have always referred to the challenges my family has faced as "the Storm".

I was thinking of the storm and told God I needed help hearing him,

 cuz whatever he may be saying...

I just wasn't getting it.

The next day on my way home from work I began to flip through the radio stations. I pressed the button for the christian music station. There was a song playing, I have no idea who the artist is and have not heard the song since, but one line jumped out at me...

You're in the eye of the storm

Net

This song is now on my play list. I now know the line actually says:

You'll be next to me cuz you're in the eye of the storm.

I know how you feel big fella

If you have been to the Omaha zoo, you know that you will always see the big gorilla sitting in the outside area. Actually I have no idea if this is a gorilla, but for this post, that is what I am choosing it to be.  When I was growing up, the big gorilla's name was Casey. Pictures of this animal will always make me think of Bob M. In elementary school we took the once yearly field trip to the zoo. Every year they took you into Casey's indoor cage.  Every year we got to stand as many kids as we could onto Casey's chair, which also happened to be a scale. We were to see how many kids it took to weigh as much as Casey. No idea how that turned out each year, but we did it anyway. One time, I think maybe in 6th grade, we were standing inside the cage and listening to the story of maybe what the gorilla's ate. Bob M was in the corner standing with a bunch of his friends. Behind him was a smaller sized door with bars over it. I remember glancing over and seeing a black hand and long arm reaching out towards Bob's shoulder. I don't remember what happened after that, I know it did not grab him, but I imagine he moved rather quickly.  This is how I remember this random zoo story, Maybe it was not even Bob M who was grabbed for,

 but he is who I think of when I see these gorilla's.

It does not matter what year you see them at the zoo, a gorilla is always striking almost the same pose as the one in the above picture. A few weeks ago, my daughter went to the zoo and this was one of the pictures she took. This time I did not think of Bob M, but instead saw myself in this animal. 

No jokes, I have gained a little weight but that is not why I saw myself.

I remember, after my sons accident, feeling as if I was being watched by anyone walking by. I remember the fear of walking out the door and expecting to see the news media or judgmental people.

But,

 I also remember how important it was to me that we all hold our heads high

and be proud that we were a united family. I imagine that this big guy is also feeling stared at,

but it seems to me that he is determined to remain proud! 

Net

Sometimes you've got to...

FLOAT!!

If life gets too hectic, you've just got to float.

This summer the ladies and I spent hours every weekend floating. We hooked our rafts up to my parents pontoon boat and left it up the the guys to tow us around the lake. The guys would fish off the sides of the boat as they pulled us around.

There has never been anything so relaxing as floating around the lake with your favorite girls.

It was a win win situation for all!

Rainbows

Colorado 2009

My daughter took this picture when were were on vacation. We were driving through the national park and almost missed this view.

When I look at this picture I can remember where I was mentally in my journey to find myself. I can see how far we, as a family, have come since then. At the time it was just a pretty rainbow to look at.

I look at it now and can see how much we have healed.

We have quite a ways to go yet, but I know we will see more and more rainbows in the days to come.

Net

 

Against the wind

Erik's guitar

I am driving my daughters car for awhile. Yesterday I put in a random cd and heard a song that took me back in time. I used to believe that before anyone could become a DJ they had to take a vow to always play Bob Seger's music at every homecoming, company party and wedding they ever worked at.

Yesterday I listened to his song Against The Wind. I mean that I really listened to the words from an adults perspective. I know what the song was about in my teenage mind, but the song I was now hearing had a whole different meaning. There are some really great lines in this song. A few of my favorites:

We were young and strong and we were running against the wind.

Wish I didn't know now what I didn't know then.

Guess I lost my way

there were oh so many roads

I was living to run and running to live.

Never worrying about paying

or how much I owed.

I have so much more to think about.

Dead lines and commitments,

what to leave in

and what to leave out.

It was fun just listening to this song and hearing it in a different way than I had when I was young because

I'm older now but still running against the wind.

Net



First Friday Class of 79

I have been feeling rather blue this week and not exactly sure why. I am choosing to look back at my childhood friends as a way to get one of those warm fuzzy feelings...ok, that was dumb, really I just thought it would be a fun thing to look at how my First Friday group came together.

I am thinking that from the class of 79, Theresa and I have probably been friends the longest.

Our parents are friends and so it seems we just followed in their footsteps. Theresa's parents are my brothers godparents and mine are one of her bothers godparents. My first memory of Theresa is playing at her house...the pink house. In kindergarten I was walking home from school (perfectly safe in those days). I saw her up front a ways walking with a friend of hers. I got so excited that I ran up behind her her and grabbed her by the neck...hey, I said it was kindergarten and I did not know it may possibly hurt her. The friend she was with screeched at me so loud that my little feelers were hurt. I ran ahead of them crying all the way home. What a weird thing to remember. One time we were playing school at her house and we drew naughty pictures. They were as naughty as our approx 10 or 11 year old minds could imagine, so they were probably funny. Anyway, Theresa's mom found them since we were not smart enough to know they were naughty and that we should hide them. The next day we were leaving on a girl scout camping trip. I clearly remember Theresa telling me that her mom found the pictures. It was a very sad moment in time when my friend told me that she had to pay her mom all the money she had so that her dad would not see the evidence of our crime. I remember asking if she thought it would help if I gave her mom my money.

To my relief I was told no...I had plans for the $1.21.

I know that Susie, Joni and Tina were going to elementary school at the same time and I do remember them, but can't say that we were exactly friends in those beginning years. Chris K moved to our school somewhere in those years, but I just don't remember when.

It must have been during my "ME" years.

Chris C moved in 7th grade. She met us as we were squirting each other with the sink hoses in her Aunts home-ec class.

Theresa and my parents were also friends with Joni's but I'm not sure I have any clear cut memories of young Joni, I think she was just always there. (sorry Joni).

I do remember a boy named Bobby chasing Susie around the class room one time when the teacher had stepped out. Not sure what he had in mind but man that girl could run. Years later Susie, AKA Suz and I walked home from school together for the first time. We cut through the back hill to my house. She told me her phone number in such a unique way that I could walk to the phone and call her mom right now.

And Tina...who could forget the first time we tied her to her chair in one of our classes. It may have been some class like Political Science or one equally as boring. We thought we were really funny. We didn't do it to be mean (hindsight..it may have been mean) it was such a boring class and those ties to her pink shirt were so tempting. If memory serves me right, it was Suz that did it. Angie, AKA Ang, had moved to town by then. I doubt it was Ang that tied up Tina because she was pretty busy hiding from us the answers on her worksheet. Wow, who would have thought that boring class would be so much fun!

This is the foundation to the friendships

that have lasted at least 40 years.

This is also my memory of how things began.

Regardless, this was the start for the class of 79 First Friday group.

The Mouths of Babes

This weekend My husband and I went to see our son.

My mother-in-law and sister-in-law, along with my 2 young nephews also came for the visit. Because it is the long Labor Day weekend, the place was packed full of visitors

 all wanting to see their loved one.

Explaining the procedure to my 2 young nephews I used the words of my niece, "and over there is where they get recess." I explained how the guard would look at the bottom of their feet and in their shoes.  I thought I was a pretty quick thinker when they asked me why and I explained that the guard needs to make sure they are not trying to sneak a key into the prison. I guess it wasn't the best of explanation. The older nephew explains that they would notice someone walking in with a key in their shoe. He then shows me how a person would look with a key in their shoe, and he was right, it would definitely draw attention.  I then explain that the guard will have them raise their hands so they can check out the boys shirts.  Again..."why"

Well what the heck, I have nothing to loose by trying the same explanation. "Because maybe you have a key hidden under your arm"   My nephew laughs and explains that the key would fall out if you raise your hands.

End of explanations.

Inside the boys go with me to show that they had no keys with them. The younger one is quite impressed with the process but did not think it was fair that the guards had walkie talkies and he did not get one. Once inside I take the boys to the vending machine where they can pick candy and chips and drinks. They make their selection and go to our seats and the younger nephew sits down, smiles and says

" I LOVE this place!!!"

Again...out of the mouths of babes.

Net

Hair

My daughter is a hair stylist. She needs more continuing education credits, so tomorrow I get a perm.  I have always been her best guinea pig. Since she began her schooling and has made a career for herself, I have been the recipient of numerous beauty techniques. 

My hair has been brushed, combed, backcombed, cut, trimmed, texturized, colored, highlighted, low lighted, permed, curled, and straightened. My eyebrows have been  tweezed, plucked, waxed and colored. The inside of my nose, my lip, my entire face, my arm pits and my toes have all been waxed. I have been treated to facials, pedicures, manicures and eyelash extensions and I have used products too numerous to mention. 

I do draw the line with the waxing of the inside of my nose again and I find the arm pit waxing a waste of time. Had I not been lying down with a hot towel on my face when receiving a facial, I guarantee my toes would never have been waxed.

She is a sneaky one, and yet I keep going back for more.

Net

I don't know the answer

I have been kind of sad lately. Maybe it is the time of the year or my son's birthday coming up. I'm not sure. Lately I have been bothered by the fact that there have been 2 more accidents that have happened involving young people and alcohol. I just have trouble wrapping my hands around the situation, and I don't know what the answer is. One of the families were on the news. I have trouble getting past the fact that the family was paraded before the news media. We did not have a lawyer that used the media to lime light his case and I am not sure I would have trusted him if he had. My brother-in-law told me that when he saw the young man's mother, he saw my face. I had to admit to him that I did too. I have a card with a note ready to send to this mother. I just want her to know that there are people out here that have been where she is.

Maybe my card will help, or maybe it will only make me feel better for having sent it.

 I just don't know the answer.

The First Friday Sisters

“Who would have thought that when we met at the swimming pool that day, we would still be friends after all these years?”

This comment was made by Christie at breakfast the morning after our 2010 First Friday in February annual gathering. I may not have all the words correctly quoted but the meaning is the same. We grew up together, literally. After high school we made it a point to get together at Christmas time. We were a small group from the class of 1979, 1980 and 1981. The effort it took trying to get all of us in one place on one day became too difficult. It was at this time that someone, I think it may have been Angie, made the suggestion that we pick the same day every year to meet. Everyone would know when we would get together and would be able to plan for that date. The date was chosen, and this is how the First Friday in February began. Every year we all know which day we are taking off from work. We will have a Friday lunch and usually spend the night somewhere. Our laughter, debates and sometimes tears will go on through the night.

We are a close group, but not perfect. We can be loud, obnoxious, and judgmental. We can pick sides and let our opinions be known.  We have seen each other through the awkward years and the dating years. We have gone to each others weddings and watched our babies grow up. There have been divorces,
prayer lines, funerals, and meals delivered when we fell ill. We have become in-laws and grandmas.  And yet we all know that if one of us is hurt or going through a difficult time, our group will be there for us without hesitation. We consider each other to be sisters.

Sometimes other friends will make a comment of disbelief that we are still connected to our childhood friendships. I can't explain the bond but it is pretty awesome to be part of this group.
When my tough time started I did not initially call anyone from the group, but later was not surprised to get visits, emails, and phone calls. It was comforting to know they were there for me. The 1st First Friday that we got together after my storm, I was loud...imagine that. We had had cocktails (again, imagine that) and it was the first time in months that I had laughed. I poked fun at myself and my situation in a way I would not have with anyone else. It felt so good to laugh instead of cry. My friends just let me get it all out of my system. Oh  they may have raised a few eyebrows and wondered if I had finally gone off of the deep edge, but that is what we do and it works for us.

As I said before, I am not sure where I am going with my posts about the First Friday Sisters but they are a part of what defines who I am. I may need to call on them to decide on the direction of these posts, because I know there are great stories to be told. For now, I will let this post be the introduction to my group.

Net

Still working on acceptence....kinda

I thought I was working hard on my word for the year...acceptance.  Yesterday proved that I may have a ways to go.  There is a full moon out and I truly believe that it brings the wackos out.

Yesterday at work a woman came to me for assistance. I was ok with helping her, but I knew I would need to pass her on to someone else to complete her request. I patiently listened to her, I got out a form and began to help her fill it out.  THEN, that women, who came to me for help, answers her cell phone. I accepted that she may have needed to answer this important call, so I waited. I waited a little more, not trying to appear like I was listening to her phone call, a call that I felt was dumb. 8 minutes later I accepted that I was going to have to choke her if she did not get off that call. In the words of my sister "a jury of my peers would understand". She came to me but she was wasting my time. I accepted that I was going to interrupt her and tell her to let me know when she needed my help again, and I accepted that it was probably something that would get me in trouble...but she was really irritating me. Fortunately for her, she got off the phone before I had to do something that would have the boss all over me. 

I guess I accept that I may need to spend more time on my word for the year.

Net

Balancing Act

Both of my kids are great photographers.  Sometimes when I can't think of what to write, I like to randomly upload a picture and see what kind of story pops in my head.           

The fact that my son even noticed a small snail on the ground does not surprise me. He has always been laid back and down right slow.  While taking family walks we would always have to stop to let that kid catch up. We would  turn around to find him crouched to the ground looking at bugs or ant hills or even grass blowing in the wind. His one year of playing t-ball found him in the out field, glove on top of his head and spinning while looking at all of the bugs in the air.  Sometimes I wish life were still at that slow pace.

My daughter is quite the opposite. She is always in a hurry. She even talks and drives fast. She was a dancer for 16 years. At the grocery store this kid was 5 feet ahead of me tap dancing down the isle. I figured that as long as I could hear her little feet moving, she was ok.

So there I am, one child moving at lightning speed, the other slowly observing everything around him and me in the middle just trying to balance everything out.

Net

Insight

Another part of my life that has defined who I am, are the friends who have laughed with me, cried with me and have even helped me up when I had fallen. I really never thought about the number of friends I have until they came forward to help me.  I am lucky to have the friends that are co-workers, both present and from the past. I don't mind saying that even I know how difficult it is to work with someone who was not only going through a personal problem as large as the one I am going through, but also dealing with that person as they faced the menopausal phase of her life. Oh yes, I let plenty of them know exactly what I thought, while at the same time knowing that what I thought had no rhyme or reason to it. No matter, these were the same  people that somehow knew when I needed no words but instead a simple hug. They were the ones who worried when I was away from my desk for too long and were not sure how to help.

I have my own little personal cheerleader who probably has no idea that even when I see her smiling in a picture on face book I can instantly be cheered.(hi Linda!).

My biggest friend support group are my First Friday girls. The stories are too many for one little post, I think they are an entire new blog. These are the girls I have known most of all of my life. The girls from elementary school who have remained friends through our adult lives. The First Friday girls all get together every First Friday of February, and even if a year has gone by, we comfortably pick up where we left off.  As I said earlier, we are worthy of an entire blog of our own. For now, I would like to mention a comment from Connie. It has stayed in my mind for 2 years, but this last weekend it took on a whole new meaning...perhaps an ah ha moment.

Before going any further, I will mention that the length of my sons sentence shocked us all.  I will never forget what happened to give him that sentence, but I was shocked none the less.

When hearing the sentence my son received, Connie had an explanation. She either dreamed or just knew that in the future my son was destined for a life in the ministries. She told us that a shorter sentence would not give him the time he needed to learn and prepare for what is to come.  Ok, I get that.

I was telling my sister and daughter about the college program that my son is getting into. I am so proud of him, he is definitely smart enough for the challenges of college. We then began discussing the fact that if he had received the sentence that we had feared, he would be working towards parole right now instead of college. Right now, let me hear a collective "ah ha"   Chances of getting parole your first time around does not always go the way you hope, but a shorter sentence would have meant that college courses would not have had to be thought about.

So where does this realization get me?  I still hate the situation I am in, but I find myself pondering her insightful explanation. I now understand that explanation a little differently than I first had. I did not think I would see my sons sentence in the way my friend had explained, but stranger things have happened.

Ok. I can hear Connie's sister Chris now.....

"Lets grab some brie cheese and ponder all insightful explanations.." 

Sometimes when I read what I have typed I just have to laugh!

Net

Visiting Day

Visitation at the Lincoln correctional center is intimidating the first time you go.  The unknown is very scary. The personnel at the correctional center in Nebraska have never shown me anything but respect. Any time I have had questions they are answered with compassion and there are even a couple of the guards at the visitation center that we have gotten to know well.

My niece, who was 10 at the time, is very close to my son and we had to evaluate the visitation process to see if it was appropriate for her to go to. After some thought, her parents decided that she would do fine on a visit and off to Lincoln we went. 

We tried to explain things in a way that a 10 year old would understand, that there is a high fence around the center, a guard would look at the bottom of her feet, she can hug her cousin but not sit on his lap. I am sure we overwhelmed her with information and rules, but we were a little nervous.

As we were driving into the facility, that little girl did not see the big fences or the guards stations. Through the fence we could see some of the inmates playing basket ball and her face lit up as she points and shouts

"They get recess!!!!"

Out of the mouths of babes.


Net

Meet and Greet

I want to tell you about my family.

I mentioned before that I want someone to visit my son every week. My daughter has been our visitation coordinator. If someone wants to visit that week, they call her to schedule the time. Actually her job is basically answering text messages from friends and family wanting to visit.  I just gave her that title here this very moment, and it made me giggle a little because she would have been on her phone anyway. 

My daughter is a funny girl. I always thought she got her humor from my grandma Marie, my dads mother.  She is also a little spit fire that will not hesitate to put someone in their place, especially if she feels there is an injustice taking place. She may have gotten this from my mother, however, there are several of us "spitfires" on both sides of our family.  This could be be seen with her as an 8 year old feeling that a waitress has "jipped" her on the amount of soup she received or as her adult self standing up for someone who she sees is getting the short end of the stick. Most of the time this can be viewed very admirably, but I won't lie to you, sometimes she is just...oh never mind that would just be rude to say.  Anyway, we are very close, but there have been times where she will tell me that I am no longer her best friend and she gives the honor to my sister. I know eventually my sister will do something and I will be in first position again.  Funny girl.

My son is also funny person. I have seen him grow in the last few years in ways that amaze me.  He is quiet and shy like his dad. He is also a very intelligent person. I found this out when he was 4 and I was reading a book to him. He corrected me when I hurriedly tried to finish the book. We sat in amazement as we pointed to different words in different books just to make sure his reading wasn't a fluke. At that point I figured he could just read his own bedtime story. At five he read "The Far Side" cartoon books and laughed appropriately. While growing up we referred to him as our "knower of useless information." If he told me odd things like the name of the skin covering your elbow, I knew he read it somewhere. If he had to put away the dishes, I knew he would rearrange my kitchen cabinets, this could have been because he thought it was funny or maybe his rebellious nature. Don't know, I just learned to live with it.

So yes, I have funny children. I have been married for 26 years, maybe because my husband is quiet and I am sort of loud, well maybe just a little. Over the years we have had too many dogs to count.
I have wonderful parents and in-laws who have supported us through all the years whether it was just to share a glass of wine with us or to help us find our footing on a bumpy path.  OK, that made me laugh because I am feeling like this is turning into a sappy little post.  I actually just wanted to explore who I am by looking at those that mean the most to me. Without all the support I would have probably fell apart over these last couple of years.

I went to a bible study with my sister-in-law.  The first night the instructor went around the room and asked what we felt God had anointed us for. I told them I did not honestly know but was sure that I would not have gone through everything I have these last 2 years for it not to be something great. Maybe I am to help people in my situation?  Leave it to me to make this all about me!!!

Anyway, this is my family,

It's all fun and games until....

Tonight, I burned the pasta. No, I totally scorched it to the bottom of the pan. My husband, Dave, comes in the house and finds me spraying the air to hide the stench. "How did you manage that?" I very nonchalantly shrug my shoulders and try to remember if I closed out of my face book before finding burnt pasta in the kitchen.....
I did, but his cheesy grin told me he knew what I was doing.

Today a friend reminded me that I have had some funny stories through out the years. Maybe that was in the back of my mind when he gave me the cheesy grin, but it reminded me of one of those stories.

Picture this...2 kids in junior high, too old for a babysitter, too young to drive. After sleeping half the day away, the only thing left for them to do was eat. Those two began eating us out of house and home. It was at this time that, for reasons I still do not understand, Dave began to hide food. I don't know, maybe he didn't have enough to eat in a previous life or something. This did irritate me to no end when I needed something to make for my lunch or dinner and the item was no where to be found. This quickly became a source of friction in our house, he was hiding the food, I was looking for the food and 9 times out of 10 the kids were eating the food.

As it so happened, one night Dave could not find a large block of cheddar cheese that he hid in the freezer. (I still just shake my head at this part of the story).  In anger he calls the kids to the kitchen determined to find out who ate his block of cheese. As you can guess they both told him it was not them. If you know Dave then you know he is not going to let this go and he is determined to have the last word in this conversation. The kids walk away wondering why in the world their dad would think they snacked on a block of cheese.

With them out of the room, he only has me to sound off to. He was convinced that one of the kids dug to the back of the freezer and gnawed on this frozen cheese and all I can do is look at this raving fool (sorry Dave, but you were) and wonder what the heck brought this on. Soon, my mother hen feathers were ruffled and I was tired of hearing it, we ended up having a little tiff about it. I suggested that he monitor bathrooms because who ever ate that whole package of cheese would be blocked up for 2 weeks. Then he would know!!  He stomped off mad.

Well sure enough days later, the cheese in question was found in the back of the other freezer. I think he was going to apologize but decided not to once we made him the butt of all our jokes.

My daughter then coined our household phrase:

"It's all fun and games until someone looses a block of cheese."

We still laugh about that one and occasionally find instances to use that line. I have no idea why that memory came to mind when I burnt my pasta, but I love the story!

Net

My Whoa moment

I give Up!  I have wanted to put music to my blog for some time. I have researched it, I have downloaded a couple of programs, I have tried and tried and tried. All I have managed to do is confirm that I am a total computer illiterate. For now I can live with that because it is easier than being frustrated by the inability to get the result I want.  So for now, you will either have to remember the song I am going to refer to and
humm it in your head or just read a tuneless blog.

About a year and a half ago I had my first ever "Whoa" moment. Before I go any further I need to explain how I pronounced the word at the time I had this moment. The Wh was a slow and low breathy sounding wh and the Oa was and tad bit lower and longer. Go ahead, practice with me, Whhhoooa.

Ok, now that we have the sound established, here is my first Whoa moment.

I was driving in my car and thinking of how I could help my family to remain positive when I was not even sure that I had the energy to try to make the difference needed. I was so tired of trying to cheer up those around me while attempting to hide my own pain. Maybe it was just a feel sorry for myself day, the kind everyone needs now and then. Anyway, I had an older Carrie Underwood cd playing and it came to a song I was not particularly fond of. If I were not computer illiterate you would now be hearing the song

-Jesus take the wheel-  In case you are not familiar with the song, a girl is driving home and begins to slide on the ice (basically, in a nut shell). 

The chorus says -

Jesus take the wheel

Take it from my hands    Cuz I can't do this on my own

I'm letting go    So give me one more chance 

Save me from this road I'm on   

Jesus take the wheel 

And suddenly, the song was more than about a girl driving too fast on the ice, but rather a song about my life.

I distinctly remember being at a stop light and actually grasping the meaning of these words.

It made quite an impact.

So go ahead, say it with me......Whhhhoaaaa.

This post is strictly my interpretation of the words to the song. I know most people have ah ha moments,

it just happens that the word I said out loud was whoa.

Anyway, that was the beginning of a new prayer for me. Maybe it helped, maybe it didn't,

but I know I felt better after that moment.

Net

The healing powers of Keeley

My husband is a very quiet man and at times I may even try to provoke him just to see what kind of response I can get out. Sometimes it works, sometimes not so much. During our hard times these last 2 years, he closed up inside himself. We decided to give counseling a try and I made an appointment with a lady that came highly recommended. We went to 3 sessions which were held in her home. Her home was in a beautiful part of town but the stench of animal urine was so bad that I was afraid to sit.These appointments were approximately 90 minutes long. Of those ninety minutes 60 minutes were spent with us listening to her dog stories and other insignificant and boring things that happened to her. I say we only went to 3 sessions because after the 3rd one my husband got in the car and very loudly and not so nicely announces
 "We ARE Cured!"

 End of counseling.

In case you are wondering, yes, I was billed for three 90 minute appointments.  She did help us to identify what we were going through, which was grief for the life we thought we would have.

We could have saved lots of money in not going to counseling but at the time it was the option we had.

Until Keeley came in our lives. Keeley is a 3 year old female black lab/chow mix that is beautiful on both the inside and out.We have always had dogs in our lives but none like Keeley. She came to us after being rescued from an abusive home and it did not take long to realize she may have been more injured than we were.The first week was quick to prove it.

Day one, maybe even hour one, Keeley finds a spot in our wooden fence where she can shimmy out and run. And run she did. My husband calls me from his cell phone to tell me he is chasing Keeley and I should bring the car and help. He was 8 blocks away. I joined in the chase by vehicle. I got close several times but the moment I would jump out of the car, Keeley would bolt. I soon realized that this may have become a game in her mind. I got close a couple of times and she would look at me, smile and run in the other direction.. Yes, it was a smile. Not so much a game for my husband who was following by foot. We stayed in contact by cell phones and he was walking faster than I have seen him walk in recent years. Eventually she got to where I had to park and continue the chase by foot.  About an hour later she found herself trapped between a fence and 2 buildings . Was she trapped or just done with the game? We caught her when she was lying under a shade tree resting...and smiling.

We got home and my husband fixed the fence...or did he???

Day 2, Keeley is on the run again. This time my husband is on foot, I am in the car and I have called my sister to join in the game with her car. What did we ever do without cell phones? At each Keeley sighting we would turn on 2 wheels and head the other way. We did eventually catch her, or maybe she let us catch her. Imagine my surprise when I saw that the fixed fence actually had 2 large phone books against the loose board. hmmm. Next time I will have to inspect my husbands "fixed" project. 

The 3rd time in as many days that Keeley ran, we began the same pursuit, 1 by car and 1 by foot.  This turned out to be a 10 minute chase where she beat us home. I found her in the shop just sitting and waiting...and smiling. That was the last time she had run but she continues to smile all the time.

As I write this, I realize she was running towards something and once she knew we would not hurt her, she realized she was running to us.

Keeley has been a great addition to our family. When things seem ruff or one of us is feeling sad,

we can always count on Keeley to sit and smile.

Net

A humbling thought

My last post was a very healing one. In the post there are 2 statements made for the first time that I had never said out loud to anyone. The 2 statements had weighed me down and

I feel better having let them out of my mind.

The first was to admit that I tried to let people believe that things were not as bad as what they were. I knew I was not  fooling those closest to me. My sister, Deb, told me she was worried that I was setting myself up by pretending things were going to be ok. A good friend at work saw through my charade also. For the most part, they both let me pretend to believe that all was well.

It wasn't that I truly believed that everything was right in my world, it was just easier to know that not everything was wrong. 

The second was to admit out loud that my son is in prison. Until now I tried to sugarcoat it by saying things like the "corrections facility" or the "detainment center", because that just sounded better.

Not sure why because its the same place.

This whole experience has made me look deep inside of myself.

We were thrown into a world that we did not understand with people that I would never have associated myself with. I know, that makes me sound like a snob. I now understand that these people are just like me. Oh, I do still have some common sense and all of my teeth,

(what to do, what to do....that last sentence was kind of harsh, ummm...)  

Well if this is me being honest with myself, yes, I do still have all of my teeth and also the common sense to act appropriately in various places (visitation room. etc.).

However, at some point I realized we are all the same.

One woman comes to mind as I say that. Even though she seems a little odd and not someone I would go out to a social function with, when she visits her loved one you can see the smile she has all the way up to her eyes.  Yes, she is like me. It reminds me of a comment I heard some time ago,

The Cross is on level ground.

(dang, I think that was how it went, well you know what I mean). 

The point of this post is that at one time I would have thought myself above the people I see every week. Sadly, this is the thinking of most people that do not understand the world I find myself in. I may still get worried when I pass a shady looking person on a dark street, its just that I now know that they may be thinking the exact same thing as they pass me.

Ha, that comment made me smile.

Net

When Life gives you....

RAIN

 I would say that when life gives you rain go out and dance in it.

But sometimes if life gives you a flood, you have to play badminton.

This 4th of July proved this statement to be true.

The day was about to go down the tubes, but we made it work and had a great time too.

A couple of weeks ago my friend asked me "How do you do it? How do you keep going now that you know what you know and all you have to do?" Mind you, we were enjoying beverages and the campfire, I know the first question to be exact. I may be guessing on the 2nd, but the meaning is the same.

Without hesitation I told him, "This is the life I have, I do it because I choose to make it work".

(again, beverages, campfire)

I know the first sentence to my response is correct, the second sentence..well you get the meaning.

The fact is that my son is in prison. The fact is that I will always make sure there is someone to visit him every weekend. I will race home from work because if he is going to call it will be shortly after 5:00. I will ask the same questions every phone call and have the same discussions every visit. I do this because I choose to do it. My children are everything and I will always do what I need to do for them.

So when instead of the sunshine you get the rain...

Play badminton!

Net

Where I am now

So here I am now. 13 months from "the storm"  It has been quite a ride of ups and downs. But we have made it this far and I am proud of us all. Has it been tough? Hell yes. But I am choosing to see the up side. If a person can find laughter in between the tears then life still shows promise.

My word for the year was Strength. We had to find strength in ourselves to move forward, to deal with our grief, and to pick up the pieces of our lives. We did that. And along the way we found strength in our religion and strength as a family.

This year I have decided my word to work on is Acceptance. I will accept that although the road we are on is not the one we wanted, it is not necessarily the wrong road.....just a different one. I will accept a small portion of responsibility, but also know that I did my best as a parent.

I will also accept that when my writing becomes full of drama, a glass of wine is probably calling my name.  For now, I will sign out and accept the call of my evening wine glass.

And then the storm came

It was a painful time for our family. I completely understood the meaning of wanting to change places with one of your children in order to spare them pain. However, living through that pain made my family who we are today. The storm that came through our lives is the very storm in which I lost myself. I became numb with fear and panic and I cried until I felt I could no longer cry. I was content to let my daughter take care of me and willing to let my sister make decisions for me.

At some point I forced myself to push through the pain because I had a family to take care of, but it was still easier to remain outside the window looking in at myself.  I went through the motions of day to day living while pretending that things were not as bad as they seemed and that I was in control. I tended to the daily things that needed to be done while trying to make plans of what would have to be done. I made phone call after phone call while taking names and notes of all the information I felt I needed. If I did not get the answers I wanted, I made more phone calls and more notes. Did it help? It did, to the point of giving me things to think about other than the storm my family was trying to get through.

As a family we rallied together. I found strength that I did not know existed within me. My Pastor told me to always step forward and never step back. I have a long way to go on the road back to finding me, but I am confident that I will. I believe that because of my experience I will find a better me.

Complicated indeed......

More complicated than I thought....the first meaning of that statement had to do with my blog. I had, and still have no idea if this is working as I want it to work. I can barely figure out my MP3 player. I know I can down load music, pictures, videos and e books, yet the only thing I have mastered is turning on the radio. My MP3 player and my blog are as complicated to me as my life.

 I started out my married life thinking it was a breeze. Then of course you have babies who need diapers and bottles and it seems like things are as tough as they can get. You have to buy the things needed for that child and store them and be prepared for when you need them. When my daughter was a year old my husband and I got excited at the thought of "date night." We packed up the diaper bag with diapers and bottles, her blankie, everything for any possible situation that may arise. We got her in her car seat and drove to the next town so she could spend the night with grandma and grandpa. We were excited at the thought of a night out, adult conversation and a little piece of the world we used to have. Imagine my surprise when taking my precious daughter out of her car seat only to find a little bare butt under her beautiful pink dress. All she could do was look at me and smile like the precious angel we knew her to be. Ok, I am guessing it is a common mistake to forget to put a diaper on a baby, people forget everyday, right? We laughed and diapered her and then went on our way. My point is that no matter what situation is in front of you, you must learn to adapt. At some point in my life I think I forgot that little life lesson. Thanks to this blog I remembered that story. Maybe a few more memories will help me to find me again.

Now I can start

I think I am finally ready! I have looked things over to see how they work. I did a send posting....lost it somehow. But now I am ready. Thoughts are bursting from my mind and suddenly I am feeling a little shy.
Finding me again is a very personal blog to me. Somewhere over the last couple of years I have lost myself. My hope is to put thought to written word and perhaps in the process be able to stand proud and say I weathered a storm and re-found who I am.

This is not a blog to justify wrongs or cry over the results. It is just me wondering how I got to this point in my life and perhaps let humor reconnect me to myself.

My first attempt

I am sitting here wanting to figure out how this blogging works. What better way than to dive right in, except for the fact that I am feeling very intimidated. I set up my account, I have clicked from option to option and tab to tab. Do I really understand what I am doing?? Heck no, but do I understand why I am trying? Yes, writing is my life therapy. My goal in life was to be the next Margaret Mitchell, author of my favorite book Gone With The Wind. At some point I realized that I may actually be more of an Errma Bombeck, which was pointed out to me by a close friend. My humor has gotten me through many struggles over the years, and often my best material has been my children. At this time I am not sure if I want to revisit some of my "little stories" or use this opportunity to help myself through some of life's setbacks. Or maybe it will help me move forward through life. For now, I will simply post this one little item, sit back and ponder my options.