Father Mike

Last summer, my friend Theresa's daughter Katie got married. A group of us went to the wedding together. I believe that I had only been to the Catholic church1 time since my son's sentencing. Before the sentencing we had started to go to another church which we really liked. For reasons unknown to even myself, I was moved to tears with the ceremony. Maybe because Katie was the first daughter of any of my friends to get married or maybe the ceremony itself.

Regardless of the reason, I found myself returning to the Catholic church.

Last month I set up a meeting with Father Mike not only to discuss my feelings of confusion but to also introduce myself as someone who was finding her way back. When I told him the story of my tears at the wedding, Father Mike looked me straight in the eye and said "you came home".

It was a simple statement but a "Wow" moment for me.

We discussed the coming birth of my grandchild.

His philosophy is that God is giving us this baby to help my husband heal.

Before I left, Father Mike gave me a medal of Mary that he had brought back from Italy. He told me to remember that Mary was also a mother in pain as she watched her son suffer.  

That also was a "Wow" moment. 

Net

My Favorite Kate-ism

My niece has a close friend, Katie, that lives across the street from her house. When those two get together you never really know what is going to happen. My favorite Kate-ism is something that was said to my sister. As usual, I will not get the quote exactly right, but I think I will come close.

One day Kate says to my sister

"Deb, did you ever feel like an ugly worm only to find you are a beautiful butterfly?"

Kate smiles when ever this quote is mentioned to her. She told me that she read it in a book, but I can not remember the book title or author.

I will say that there are more worm days for me than there are butterfly days,

but what an awesome lesson for a child.

Actually when I think of this quote (or knowing me...this almost quote) I think about how I should view a person from the inside. Don't get me wrong....sometimes an ugly worm is just a plain old ugly worm. There are times when people make it too easy for me to make them the butt of my jokes

or the reason for my iritability.

When I meet a person like that I just try to remember my favorite Kate-ism, I smile

 and look hard for that beautiful butterfly that must be inside of that person somewhere!

Net

Word of the Year

The first year after my family went through our storm, my word to concentrate on was Strength. I needed to search for the strength to be the mother my child needed, and to be the mother and wife that could help the rest of my family find a way to move forward in our lives.

I hope I succeeded, but I also know that sometimes I need to reach deep inside and revisit that word.

And in year two my word was acceptance. I concentrated on accepting the life that we now have. I worked to accept people from all walks of life because they may be hurting as much as I am. I wanted to accept that although my life was not perfect, it was my life and I was doing the best that I could.

I accept that some of these expectations were easy and some I would have to work hard to accomplish.

Whew!! I accept that my glass of wine really has my fingers

moving on this keyboard.  Ha.

This year, my word  is Hope. My friend Theresa took a bible class in which they had to pray to a saint. They were told to not pick a saint but to let the saint pick them. This is the same for my word of the year. For Christmas Amber gave me a  hanging picture. The photagrapher took pictures of things that looked like each letter in the word hope. 

The quote is - Most of the important things in the world have been accomplished by people who have kept trying when there seemed to be no hope at all - Dale Carneige

I love the picture and the quote and I feel my word has found me. I know that the ability to hang on to hope has been given to me.

Erik is doing well and I know he will someday be back home with us.

We also will have a new grandbaby that will bless us this year.

With this word, I feel I am really moving forward in my healing.

Net

A Christmas Lesson

Many Christmas memories keep popping into my mind this year.

Most are really great memories....some kind of not so good.

It was the first Christmas season that our parents left us alone in the house. They were out for some evening event and we were old enough to be trusted alone....or were we?

Parents out for the night, Christmas tree up with gifts beautifully wrapped underneath, and way to much temptation for us "old enough to be trusted" kids.  I have no idea how old we were at the time, but I remember that we lived up on the circle. I am not sure whose idea it was, but in this story it will be my brothers plan. We decided to peek at our gifts. We carefully sliced the tape on each package so no one would know that we peeked. The trouble was that only 2 of us came up with this plan of deceit and our younger sister caught us opening gifts way before the event was to take place. The look of shock on her face told us that she was sure to rat us out to our parents. We then did what any respectable older brother and sister would do. We chased her, we caught her, we grabbed her shoulders and forced her to sit in front of her beautifully wrapped presents and open all of her gifts. If she was also guilty of peeking, she could not tell.

This was the perfect plan....except we were too young and dumb to realize that the tape would not re-stick to the package.

In the end we were all in trouble, and we all remember exactly what we got that year. This is also why each year I wrapped each child's gifts in a different paper and did not add labels to anything.

Perhaps it was a good lesson and maybe just a funny memory.

A Christmas Memory

My 2 kids could not have been more opposite. One demanded attention, the other was comfortable being by himself. One was a major drama queen and the other was content to sit and draw for hours. Yes, Amber was the loud one and Erik was the one who stood back and quietly watched things. Amber was quick to cry and point fingers at her brother and Erik was usually in trouble.

Many years later we have the proof of what I had long suspected.

A few years ago my dad had the old Christmas movies out for us to watch and enjoy. I smiled as I saw Amber at around 2 years old. She had on her pink satin dress and her tights and fancy shoes. She could twirl a dress like no other. She was really working the camera with her smiles and dancing. My then 1 year old Erik decided he would like to check out what was going on. As he toddled up beside his sister to get in the action, things got ugly. My beautiful satin dressed daughter got an ugly look on her face as she turned and pushed her brother to the ground. He fell backwards with his little feet flying over his shoulders. Was Amber worried he may be hurt?  No. She turns back to the camera and began once again to flirt with her audience.
It happened so fast that us adults were none the wiser. I always figured that half the time the wrong kid was getting in trouble.  I now have proof.

What a diva.

My Christmas tree angel

It has been in my mind to make sure that if something were to happen to me, my family would understand some of the Christmas decorations that I have. They may look like tacky little decorations, but they really mean something to me. While putting up our tree this year, Amber begged me to use her decorations. "Mine all match" she tells me.

 One of my very first memories, as near as I can tell, was of me looking at the top of our Christmas tree at an angel. I know I was not in kindergarten yet and I know we lived in the house at the end of main street. I can look at that house even now and  know where that tree was placed. I remember thinking that on the top of the tree was the most beautiful angel I have ever or would ever see.  I still have that angel. It is sad that now I can hold that then beautiful object in my hand and see that it is something similar to tinsel turned upside down and glued to a toilet paper roll. The wings, unfortunately now one wing, were cut from a sheet of tinsel, and to my surprise the arms are white pipe cleaners. It does not matter, in my memory she was beautiful. For fun this year I put her on the top of one of my trees and took the picture you see above.

 I don't use my childhood decorations any more, but they will always have a special place in my heart.

Net

A New Start

I am going to be a grandma.

3 years ago I may have viewed this differently, but now I see it as a little bit of Happy
coming our way.

As if a light bulb has been switched on,
I realized that I can no longer wallow in my

world of overwhelmed chaos (ha, humor) and I need to set things right again. My house is bulging with too much stuff. My head is filled with to much clutter (no jokes please). I feel that soon I will be seen on the TV show Hoarders if I don't pick myself up and get busy organizing things in my life.

This afternoon I have spent time cleaning. I have the American Vets coming on Friday to pick up everything from clothes that do not fit, furniture that has outlived its usefulness, and everything in between.

I have a boat load of things for the trash. When Erik was in elementary school, I sent a quarter with him for his milk money. I found out months later that he was not getting milk. No, instead he used the money to buy a pencil from the pencil machine. A good 18 years later those pencils are still packed tightly in a coffee can. Guess what, they are in the trash pile! That alone makes me feel lighter.
 I put away a hose that was lying on the ground outside
and I even "de-pooped" that back patio.
I am on a roll.

I guess it took the realization that I am going to be a grandma to help me realize that life moves on and we must not let the hurt take over our lives.

I am happy for this new start.

Net