The Time Has Come

The time has come,

for closing books and long last looks must end,

and as I leave,

I know that I am leaving my best friend.

A friend who taught me right from wrong,

and weak from strong, 

that's a lot to learn, 

What can I give you in return?

This leg of our journey has come to an end. My son is home, and I can now see the good that has come from it.  Recently, I heard the above song for the first time in many years. It was the theme song to an old movie favorite, "To Sir With Love".

As I try to end the documenting of this journey, I realize that the song speaks volumes in the fact that it has been like a close friend. I have many posts for all to see that tell my story and many more that were written for only my benefit. It has helped me to sort out feelings and figure out paths that need to be taken.

So what has all of this accomplished? My story started out with the name of  "Finding Me Again".   What have I learned over the years?

I learned that no matter how scary a situation is, if you see some humor in it, there is joy that can be found.
I often remember my then 10 year old niece going to visit her beloved cousin for the first time. We were nervous and on the way to the facility we gave her a lot of direction. As we pull up and see a few inmates playing basket ball outside, her comment was "They get recess!!!"  In her mind that made everything ok. In my mind, I realized I needed to laugh and appreciate the small moments that make big memories.

I learned that I was just like everyone else who found themselves in the same situation as I.  This allowed me to open myself to friendships that my previous snobbish self would have over looked.

I am more surprised than anyone that my journey turned into one of strong faith. It was what I needed to get through it. I knew that as a family we hit rock bottom. I discovered that the rock we hit was the Lord waiting to lift us up.

Looking through this entire blog I realize that the lessons learned were more numerous than I have been recently remembering. So, did I accomplish what I set out to do? Did I find me again?

The answer would be yes, probably, or perhaps that in the process I found a better me.

Thank you to all who stood by my side during this journey.

Net

Half Time

I greatly admire Dr. Curt Dodd, a paster in Omaha. I DVR his Sunday morning sermons and often refer back to them. I do not recall what sermon this quote came from, but found it important enough at the time to write it down. He said the following:

It's half time and you need to pick the team you want to be on. 

Will you pick the team that will always love and support you,
or the team that makes you believe they will always be there for you?

We all go through times where we find ourselves holding tight to the wrong team. They give us the false comfort that we think we are searching for.

But at some point in our lives we come to our own half time. If we are surrounded by a loving family and dear friends that share the same values as we have, the same ones that can love us through our ugly times,

the decision is easy.

Net

The Sky

Another song,

I recently copied the pictures on Amber's camera to my computer, as a way to not only have her camera backed up, but to also have copies

of our grandson's life to that point.

I saw some great pictures of a storm that they took one night

that started me thinking.

I realized that

as we have traveled through our "storm", we were not as alone as I thought.

There is a song by a Christian group The Afters that sing a song called Light Up The Sky.

The line that sticks with me is,

"You light up the sky to show me

you are with me"

 Sometimes the light ahead is beautiful.

Net

generations

When my daughter was little she always reminded me of my grandma Marie. Grandma was a happy person who was quick with a joke and loud with a laugh. As children, we always knew when grandma had a joke to tell because us youngsters were asked to leave the room. We knew we could return to the room when we heard the adults laugh. Grandma liked to tease, and she always had a gleam in her eye.  I saw this often in my daughter.

Now I see these same traits in my grandson. Even though he is not yet 2, he likes to be silly and make people laugh. You know he is going to tease and be ornery when he gets that little gleam in his eye. You have to be quick because he may do sometining unknowingly harmful.  He pretended to put a laundry pod in the washing machine, but then bit into it to tease his mother.  This ended up with a trip to the emergency room. I did not see this happen, but I know he definately had that little look in his eye.

It is amazing to me to see different traits passed on to the next generation. I can't wait to meet my grandaughter in August when she is born. I am sure she will be as amazing as her brother.

Net

Bent

Broken \bro-ken\ adj
reduced to fragments; fragmented
ruptured; torn; fractured

not functioning properly; out of working order

Bent \bend\ adj

                   changed by bending out of an

                     orig. straight or even condition

                    strongly inclinded:  determied

Words from another song I like:  We're not broken just bent

For a long time I felt that my family was broken. Nothing seemed right and it was hard to keep moving.  The first time I heard the song that has the above words in it, I smiled. I am guessing that means that we are healing, because I no longer use the word broken to describe us. Are we healed?

                            No, I guess we could be described as a little bent, but we sure are on the right track!

Net  

My silly life

Every now and then a line of a song will stick in my mind for whatever reason. There is a song by the artist Pink! that makes me smile every time I hear it.

Made a wrong turn once or twice

fought my way out blood and fire

indecision, that's alright

welcome to my silly life.

I went to the correctional center to become a sponsor for my son. Sponsorship orientation can be done every 2nd and 4th Monday of the month and once this training is done you are able to take any incarcerated person on outings and furloughs.

On the night I went to orientation, they gathered all of us into a room and we sat at tables of 4. We first had to fill out the paperwork so they could do back ground checks on all of us who are hoping to help our loved ones through this next phase of their lives. I patiently helped a young girl to fill out her address in the assigned area, while trying to ignore the 2 young men who could not remember every time they were arrested in the last 5 years. They must have succeeded because at one point one of the guys showed the other his paper, and the 2nd guy said "Oh yea, I forgot that one". 

The instructor then gave us all the rules and expectations that we were to know. Taking my duties very seriously, I wrote so many notes I had to write on a 2nd piece of paper.  When done with the class we were to stand in line so our paperwork could be inspected for obvious errors.

Oh No!!!!  I have written notes on the back of my form which is used to do my back ground check! This has to be a major violation, but now all I can do is admit to the error. Once at the front of the line I explain to the guard what I have done and offer to rewrite my form. He smiled and told me they would be able to use the one I had presented them with. WHEW!

As I go further with my story I must explain one more thing. For years I have been praying to God that I will know why I am in this situation and what he expects me to do with this experience.

As I begin the hurried walk back out to my car, eager to get home, I very clearly hear in my head

"This is what you will be doing".

Whoa was that you God?? 
Actually my first thought was "Are you kidding me????"
As I had prayed, I was sure I would get some sort of really cool job from God, you know something that would put me in the same category as Mother Teresa or at least had me raising a staff above my head to guide many people.

In the car I listened to a dvd of the rosary, which I will usually pray on the drive home. Half way through the rosary, I begin to laugh hysterically.  I just helped a young girl whose english was not that great, sat with men who must have a lengthy arrest record, may have possibly heard God speak to me, and responded with what may have been a polite no thank you......

oh yea, welcome to my silly life!

Net

Family Incarcerated

Recently I was describing to a gentleman my typical day, where I go to pick up my son for work and how our family shares the responsibility of getting him back to the correctional center.

 His comment was "He is a very lucky boy".

Yes, he is. I know of many men who have no family visits and no support system.  We know that we are his link to the outside world, and are working to make it our goal to get through this difficulty as a family.

Over the years I have searched the web on various book sites for books that would give me insight and direction for my situation. One particular day I found a title that interested me and I was going to go back and read the description a few minutes later.  I believe the title was "Family Incarcerated".  And of course, I was never able to find that title again to read about the book....

so I made up in my mind what I felt the book was about.

In my minds eye I see the book to be about a family with a member who is incarcerated. The family would pull together. They would, in some sort of way, find themselves also incarcerated due to the fact that they are now tied to collect phone calls, body searches and drug sniffing dogs to see the loved one. I see the struggles they face in coming to terms with the incarceration. In this book you would read how they learned to navigate through the system, and just as they got comfortable in knowing what had to be done, things would change. Slowly they would discover their way and the path would get easier.

I believe the book would describe how the hopes and dreams of their future would be changed to different hopes and dreams. The new path their lives would take would prove to not necessarily be a wrong path, just a different path.

I think there would be humor right beside the tears, and that in the end the family would come out to be better people than they were before the hardship.

The end.

Or maybe the book was about an entire family of wrong doers who all got busted. 

Hmm, I like my version better.

Net

Turn your head!

Last week I laughed at an early morning discussion made by my coworkers. One of the young girls, who is known to drive very fast everywhere she goes, came to work late as usual. She had a good excuse. She was leaving her neighborhood and the woman in front of her kept break checking her so she had to slow down.  "There are school signs in that area, but I have never seen a single school!" 

Another coworker replies,

"You have to turn your head to see them".

We all had a good chuckle and soon the conversation was forgotten.

In my mission to get all the places I have to be and in the time frame I have, I force myself to be very foused. I look straight ahead as I drive down the highway and get to point A, return down the highway to point B, and then carry on to point C.  The daily drive has become normal routine for me. As I make my way east to point A every morning, I am able to watch the sunrise.

It is a great way to start the day.

One morning as I turned directions to my 1st stop, I was treated to the most beautiful colors in the sky.

At that point I realized, the beauty is there everyday,

I just have to turn my head to see it.

Lesson learned.

Net

favorite quotes

I have heard and read many things that have stuck to me through the last years. Although I will probably add more, here is the start of my list:

Life gets messy. 

Fr Mike Grewe

Anger is drinking a cup of poison and expecting the person you are mad at to be affected.

Theresa learned this in a class and repeated it to me

Yes, doors have been closed, but there are many more to be opened.

Pat, one night he and I sat by the fire pit

Rule Number 1 - Follow all rules.

Rule Number 2 - Expect all rules to be enforced.

Hand book from the Lincoln Correctional Center

Make your mess your message

Robin Roberts

Left foot, right foot...breath

Robin Roberts

Borrow hope from others,

The one that holds our future walks with us

Net

Hurry!

There is an old song that says:

"I'm in a hurry to get things done,

I rush and rush until life's no fun"

I have been feeling like this these last few weeks.  Sometimes life just gets so busy we forget to stop and enjoy it. 

We can take my son out on small trips home or shopping for food and supplies. This summer we are even planning a trip to the zoo, but these trips come with very strict return times. He also gets out on the weekdays to go to work. This requires some very creative rides to and from work. In the mornings we were able to find a bus route that got him fairly close to work. I get up and drive to the destination and take him to work. At night, there is not a bus that will work with his van drop off, so we take turns driving him back. Yes, this is a lot of driving, but worth it.

One especially stressful trip was our first time to Walmart. After taking the bags to the car, we realized we had to really rush in order to get back at the mandatory return time. I drove as fast as possible, all the way praying that we would get there safely and on time. Just as the stress inside that car got thick enough to cut with a knife, my son says "This has been really fun".

Now when I am overwhelmed with all the directions I need to rush in, I am reminded to slow down and
to have fun.

Net

New Start..again

Wow, it has been awhile since my last post. Actually, I had made the decision to stop blogging my thoughts, and I even wrote a couple of drafts to end things. Now I am realizing that the drafts were not working out because it was not time to end them. So many things have changed and so many things left to tell. We now deal with work release, and are going to be grandparents again!
I guess I will need to get busy. I decided to start with a fresh coat of paint on my page, it turned out looking a little more polished...in my mind.  So Now I can start this new year...............

Lets start with the 2013 word of the year.

                                                                        Trust  

I am working to trust that what ever is to come this year, it is part of God's plan, and he will get us through it.  Hopefully Erik will get released on parole this coming November. Our family will hopefully all be together this year.

Yes, I am trusting this is going to be a good year for us!

Net

Assignment 2012

Earlier this year, we were all discussing each of our words of the year. My 2012 word is Believe. Theresa had chosen the word Hope and Susie's word is Peace. Before our trip I gave the girls an assignment. We each had to choose someplace along the way that would describe our word. I would then take a picture of that scene. Next year we can look at that same picture and see how far we have come in our journey's.

I love this bridge! I knew I wanted a picture of it, but was not sure how I would make it fit to my word.

Well, obviously at some point in time, someone "Believed" that it was possible to build a train bridge from point A to point B.

There..simple.  No, that would be a very generic description of how my word could work with this scene.

Upon closer inspection I realized that this bridge resembles my life and how if

I continue to Believe,

I will someday be able to say that I crossed over from a difficult time in my life to what I can only assume will be a brighter time. 
(I am smiling to myself right now).

Theresa chose her picture as we were preparing to leave. Everywhere you look there are beautiful windmills across the land. The windmill has the important job of drawing water from the ground to bring

 drink to the cattle.

In the bible, David compared his troubles to "deep waters".

 My hope is that next year my friend will see the windmill and her troubles will not seem as deep.

In Theresa's words, the windmill resembles the Spring of Hope.

And at last, Susie's word of the year is Peace. This was a picture that was taken of beautiful sunrays shining through the clouds. Susie actually pulled off the road so this picture could be taken.

To my surprise, this picture became one of not only awesome sunrays, but also one of a road that would lead us to a comfortable weekend. We had no cell service so we were allowed to concentrate on

friendship and relaxation. 

When Susie saw her picture, she appropriately named it

The Road To Peace.

We did well with our assignments

Western Nebraska 2012

The girls and I had our annual trip to Western Nebraska again. As usual, a great time was had by all. This year Susie's son Wyatt went with us. He was able to rekindle his friendship with Angie's son Slim.

We were entertained by Wyatt all most all the way to Cody Nebraska. Both of the boys proved to be very knowledgeable with the things they were passionate about. Even with a late start, we found ourselves able to stop for a nice Mexican lunch and shop in a great western wear store we found last year.

And yes, we were able to have our annual beer at George's Corner Bar, the part time strip club from last year. Turns out the waitress remembered us, of course what is not to remember! We ended up with several people, the waitress included, at our table and enjoyed hearing all the stories they had to tell. We met 2 firefighters from Omaha who were there helping with fires that were eating up the country side. We did not see any fires but saw smoke off in the distance.  Oh, and we met George. He is an older man who continues to work just for the love of it.

Once we finally made it to the ranch, we sat at Angie's table and talked until 2:00 in the morning. It was great to spend time with old friends and reconnect.

Walk On

As you well know, I am not a "techy" person. I have a new song added to my blog and it is the thought behind this post. I could not figure out how to attach the new song to specifically this post, SO....if you wish, go to my side bar and pick the song by Jordin Sparks titled "This Is Me Now".  I do not believe it is the original title to the song. I think it is was called 'Walk On" or maybe "You'll Never Walk Alone", from what I can tell, it depended on who say it at the time. I found it was sung by many including Frank Sinatra and Elvis Presley.

This was a song that my dad used to sing to me when I was very young. As he sang he would rock me in the old brown tweedish rocking chair. (In my minds eye I can perfectly see that chair, but for all I know it may have actually been red with blue dots).  I have always loved the song, but I recently heard it and had the chance to listen to all the words.
 I now realize that whether he meant to or not, this song represented lessons I had learned from him.

When you walk through a storm, hold your head up high and don't be afraid of the dark. At the end of the storm is a golden sky....

 I believe I am a stronger person because of the lessons my parents taught me.

Net

Possibilities

I started this blog as a means to heal from what seemed to be unbearable pain. "More complicated that I thought" was first a phrase I used when I tried to figure out how to blog. Very quickly I realized that it was a statement that described my life. "Finding me again" was the name I came up with when feeling terribly lost.
Time has gone by and where am I now?

Years ago a co-worker told me that he could not have gotten through the difficult periods in his life if it had not been for his church family. To tell the truth, at the time I did not understand the concept of a church family. I based this on the fact that I felt my church was full of judgemental parishioners who were all too busy with their own lives to care about anyone else.

During this crazy journey that I have been on, things have slowly changed.  Just recently 2 of those changes snuck up and hit me along the side of my head, maybe it was just some angel trying to see if I was paying attention.
I am taking a bible class with 7 close friends. One evening while making my way back to my table, a gentleman looked at my name tag, said hello and called me by name. It felt kind of nice to smile at him and engage in a short conversation. Shortly after I found myself looking at other's name tags and realizing that a lot of these people I have known by name only for many years. It is nice to see so many fellow bible studiers along the street and realize that we do have common interests to talk about. 

I have gotten to know a lady that works in our small town post office. She is aware of my families situation and is kind enough to occasionally ask about my son. At least once a month I mail letters and various information to him. This requires a stop at the post office to have my envelope weighed and posted. Recently Erik was moved from the correctional center in Lincoln to the one in Omaha, Shortly after the move I went to the post office with my monthly package. The lady at the post office looked at my letter and in a very excited voice cheers "He's been moved!!" The fact that she even realized he was in a new city made me smile. Some may still frown at me but maybe some other than my small group of those close to me are encouraging.

Suddenly I realize that not only do I feel a closer sense of my small town community, I have a church family.

I am sure there are still the judgemental parishioners and small town snobs, but something feels different.

Did this happen just recently or am I just more open to seeing things differently?

How Big

This is my new way of thinking.

No longer do I just think about my families storm,

I concentrate on all the progress we have made over the years.

I am very proud of how we have all weathered the storm and

aware of who helped us to get this far!

Net

Good as Balanced!

"Good as Balanced"

A statement I often say, heard thousands of times by my coworkers.

If I have to use a teller drawer, I have to be sure the money balances at the end of the day.

When the drawer is out of balance during the middle of the day, you can guarantee that I will announce that I am "good as balanced."  

So what does that really mean? It means that things are not working out at the moment, I need to step away to do some other task, while I regroup and devise a new plan to accomplish the best end result. I know that eventually my teller drawer will be in balance, it sometimes just takes a few tries.

My very dear friend Darlene recently sent me a message saying she was good as balanced. After all these years of repeating my coin phrase, I first smiled and then I saw it in a new light.

Sometimes in life things just don't work out quite right. So what needs to be done?

 A) Step away

B)  Regroup

             C) Devise a new plan

The last several years, without realizing it, this is exactly what I have been doing. In my search of getting our lives back on track, I have had to use the trial and error method. Some things work, but many things do not.

But now I know that I need to keep trying,

because for now my life is....

Good as Balanced!

Welcome 2012!

STRENGTH  

           ACCEPTANCE             

HOPE

   Welcome 2012! 

It is a new year and time for a new word.

Last year my word of the year, Hope, chose me.

This year at Christmas time, I was at the store Parables searching  for 3 coins with words of encouragement to give special people. When I found them and turned to pay for my purchase, an amber colored glass stone with the word Believe caught my attention. After thinking of the word for a few moments, I realized that seeing this stone was a sign that

 the word was choosing me.

I decided it was a good word for me to work on this year.  Never mind that I was disappointed when I dropped my package on the cement outside and the glass stone was now chipped and cracked.

The word picked me and now I have to live with it.

Later, my second disappointment came when

I realized that the Weight Watchers business had also chosen the word "Believe" in their ad campain.

The fact that I need to loose weight has not escaped my attention, but is that the only reason this word has chosen me?

I probably need to ponder on that thought some.

Now, how do I work on the word Believe this year, knowing that my word

is shared by the world of over weight people

(again..the humor in that phrase has not escaped me)

and that includes a chipped and cracked glass stone.

I have decided that if the word chose me, the word will teach me what I need to know this year.

For now,  I will believe that God is answering my prayers

even if it is not how I think they should be answered.

And I am going to work at believeing in myself and that I will have the ability to get through this new year...

even if, like my stone, I am a little bit cracked and chipped!

Net

P.S. The more I hear the Weight Watchers mnessage, the more I like it!

Brighter skies

It was recently brought to my attention that I have not been adding as many posts to my blog. My response was that I have been feeling more at peace with my life, and it is a good feeling. I feel that I am in the calm center of my storm, and though I know there will be many more tough times

before it is over, right now I feel really good.

Unfortunately, 2 of my closest friends are facing the toughest part of their storms.  I feel for them because I know exactly where they are in their storm and how much pain they are going through.

At this time they are in a low point of their lives. They are rethinking every action ever taken and questioning every decision ever made. This takes them to a point where they doubt themselves and put the entire burden on their own shoulders. I know this because I was there. At this time the fog is so thick that neither of them can see what strong women they really are.

I also know this because once the fog in my life lifted, I was able to look back and actually be a little bit in awe of myself. I know that a strong family connection, wonderful friends and a deep faith have gotten me this far.

My prayer is that these two amazing women will have the strength to move forward.

Until they can, I hope they know that I will be there to help them get to the point where they can see

brighter skies in the horizon.

Hang in there my friends, some day we will all look back and see what wonderful women our parents raised!

Net

The Secret

The secret to babysitting is to always keep up with the chores.

Change diapers often.

Wash dirty clothes often.

Wash bottles as soon as you are finished with them!