Brighter skies

It was recently brought to my attention that I have not been adding as many posts to my blog. My response was that I have been feeling more at peace with my life, and it is a good feeling. I feel that I am in the calm center of my storm, and though I know there will be many more tough times

before it is over, right now I feel really good.

Unfortunately, 2 of my closest friends are facing the toughest part of their storms.  I feel for them because I know exactly where they are in their storm and how much pain they are going through.

At this time they are in a low point of their lives. They are rethinking every action ever taken and questioning every decision ever made. This takes them to a point where they doubt themselves and put the entire burden on their own shoulders. I know this because I was there. At this time the fog is so thick that neither of them can see what strong women they really are.

I also know this because once the fog in my life lifted, I was able to look back and actually be a little bit in awe of myself. I know that a strong family connection, wonderful friends and a deep faith have gotten me this far.

My prayer is that these two amazing women will have the strength to move forward.

Until they can, I hope they know that I will be there to help them get to the point where they can see

brighter skies in the horizon.

Hang in there my friends, some day we will all look back and see what wonderful women our parents raised!

Net

The Secret

The secret to babysitting is to always keep up with the chores.

Change diapers often.

Wash dirty clothes often.

Wash bottles as soon as you are finished with them!

I'm a grandma...I can sing again!

My sister and I have always said that in our next life we are going to be able to sing. Heaven knows we try, but we sure can't sing in this life.

When I was in 3rd grade, I was in a class that was half 3rd graders and half 4th graders. It was called a combination class. Our music teacher made each of us stand up beside our desk and sing a solo of the national anthem. Now not only is this a difficult song for any professional, but for kids that age, it was a horrific task. We took turns snickering at each other, and I believe that was the exact moment that I knew I should never sing in public again.
.
When you have a new baby in your life it is only natural to sing to them. And sing I did. Every night I would tuck both of my kids in bed and they would sweetly say "Sing my night time song mommy."

And sing we would.

Around the time that your child is about 10, the bed time routine changes. No longer was I required to sing, but if I did choose to do so, well...they were too polite to ask me not to. 
But wait, once those kids turn about 12 years old, all bets are off. I still remember the moment each of my kids looked me in the eye and said

"mom, quit singing." 

Heaven help you if you started to sing in the car...same thing but now it is

"MOM Quit SINGING!!!"

And at that time you quietly become that 3rd grader who knows that singing the national anthem in front of 4th graders is a bad idea...even if the teacher is too stupid to see the error of her ways.

Well guess what...I am a grandma

and once again I have a small child that will appreciate my lack of singing

talent for at least another good 8 years. Baby Abel and I already have our special secret song that we rock and sing to. And as he cuddles up to me, I know that at least for awhile,

I sing like an angel! 

Net

Abel Patrick Bragg

On July 16, 2011, Abel Patrick Bragg made his appearance. My baby girl had a baby!

Being a grandparent is one of the most wonderful things a person can be.

It has also been a teaching experience for me.

What I have learned as a new grandma.

• No matter what the doctors told us to do when our children were babies...they now tell us to do the complete opposite.
• If you don't speak up loudly, you may not get your turn to hold him.
• Do not wipe spit up from the babies face using his Lovey.
• Do not use the front of the babies outfit to wipe spit up from the babies face.
• Burp rags are the ONLY acceptable item you can use to clean up spit up from a babies face.

Ha. I know there are probably other things I have learned so far, and there will for sure be more that I will learn. For now, I will just enjoy my quiet moments with my new grandson.

Net

The Sandhills Summary

It was a short trip to the sandhills but a great time. I had to edit out some of the notes taken by Suz, but felt her email to us explained the trip well.

Suz wrote:

I believe about this time last week-end we were exercising in the truck with Nick if my memory serves me correctly...what a wonderful time we had!

Here's my notes from our visit:

The Corner Bar in Valentine has a questionable reputation but the people were really nice to us.

Slim has a calf named Jethro, a duck named Brownie and a dog that has to be tied up...darn!

Slim demonstrated why he got those great ribbons on his speeches - Abraham Lincoln and Barbwire. I am so proud of him!

Nick knows ranching! He knows how to do his job and he is appreciated by his bosses. We are not sure how he keeps it all straight and without any notes!

Angel is Angie's best friend and we quickly understood why. We left feeling we have known Angel all our lives. She is a terrific best friend and we are so glad she is there for Angie!

Angel's cucumber salad is excellent - a few cucumbers, onion, chives, philly cream cheese and garlic salt.

Angel had the fire a few years ago and got us all to think about safety and what are safety plan is and where are shoes, coats, flash lights, etc. should be hidden in case of a fire.

We did not get to meet Sally Jo who was busy potty training her 2 month old baby girl.

We had prune cake from Ree Drummond's Pioneer Women cookbook and it was excellent!

Janette spilled the beans on Dave's barbeque secret...it can be found at HyVee and is called Kyle's Sugar Rub and oh...it is at the meat counter.

Someone didn't understand why Nick couldn't light the grill.

We all understood a "no thank you" bite.

Angie's prayer on our final day came from her daily devotional book - Living Faith.

What a great week-end and just the right amount of time!

And then Theresa summed up our feelings.  Theresa wrote:

I can't stop laughing..... You nailed it Suz! It was truly an awesome time and I am looking forward to next year already!! The only thing I would have to add is through thick and thin we are there for each other..thanks for the laughs, the hugs, the tears, an open heart and ears that hear!! Only God knows what the upcoming year will bring, though we know we will be heading west next year...for another great adventure... Love you guys! Theresa

The trip left us knowing that Angie is in a place that she can truly call HOME!



Ang feeding Slims calf Jethro after the storm.
The rainbow proves Ang is home!



The Ranch in the Sandhills

We decided that Cow Country is Gods Country. The land and life are so much more simple than what any of us has ever known. I suppose for me the word simple should be the word complicated since the nearest grocery store is an hour away. I would need to plan a little better.

We had fun catching up on things and were treated to watching the young kids practice roping calves to prepare for the rodeo. Our friends husband took us for a tour of the ranch and how he keeps all those meadows straight is beyond me. You could hear the pride in his voice as he pointed out things and very patiently answered our questions.

I have no doubt in my mind that the next time I am near a cow giving birth, I will be able to reach up inside her and by feeling the calves hooves, know if it is trying to come out facing the right direction.  

Wait..... Let me re-word that.

 I have no doubt that I can instruct someone else to reach up in that cow butt and know that the hooves should be facing a certian direction.

Ranching may not be for me, but I did appreciate everything I saw.

We bounced all over that ranch for a good hour and loved every bit of it. How her son hung on in the bed of the truck I will never know, but he did a great job.

Even the heat of the morning was so much more better that the heat with the humidity that we are used to.We got to visit the 2 room school house that our friends son goes to. We also went to visit other families from the ranch (or the neighboring ranch) I get all that land a little mixed up. Our friend drove us up and down the one lane county road while honking at people she knew as they waved at her.

It is definitely a whole different way of life and perhaps not a life for everyone, but for our friend it is the perfect life.

The sandhills

Recently I went on a weekend trip with my friends, Theresa and Suz, to the Sand hills of Nebraska. We drove there in order to spend time with another friend, Ang, who lives there. 

 An interesting trip.

The drive began as a typical trip with good friends. We discussed everything from current events, small town gossip, family and faith. We were to meet our friend in Valentine Nebraska at Auntie D's Coffee Shop. Once we get there we make a b-line for the restrooms, only to find that we would need to walk down the street to a western wear shop. We pretended to be shopping for saddles and ropes, but I am sure they knew we were just there to use the facilities. Back at the coffee shop we walk around and wait. It is a really cute place, but clearly our friend was running late.  Suz found out that the owner of the shop knew our friend and asked that she tell Ang that we are across the street at the Corner Bar. Although the owner got a funny look on her face, she said she would pass along the message. Guess she was hoping to make a coffee sale.

There were a handful of people sitting inside the dark and dingy bar. Although it was a mutual decision that we would not use the restroom there (or put our hands on the table) the beer was cold. We were there long enough to get into a discussion with everyone there and found them all to be entertaining. When Ang finally makes her entrance to meet us, she was met with all of the patrons greeting her with shouts of "Here she is!!"

Ang accepts her drink from the waitress, leans her head low and very quietly says "this place does not have a good reputation" at which point Suz very loudly exclaims "But everyone is so nice here!!!!"

Turns out we were sitting in a strip joint!
Well....that explains the posters on the wall!

I for one would have paid top dollar to see Ang holding her head low and looking to see if anyone from her church was around to see her walk into the Corner Bar. We laughed, but every time Ang repeated this story to family and friends, they all looked shocked.  

And so the weekend began.......

Baby Bootie Hotline

My new grandson, Abel, spent his first night at home last night.

When I asked my daughter how the night went, her answer was that it was "sketchy"

That made me laugh. That also made me remember when we brought her home. In the middle of the night I placed her on our bed and asked my panic faced husband "now what?"

We eventually figured it out just like Abel's parents will.

But never fear, because what you can't figure out on your own....you can call and ask the

 Baby Bootie Hotline!

This was the phone number to the nurses at the hospital where my children were born,

and yes I called and called often.

 I will always remember the last time I used this phone number. I was completely at my wits end. I was trying unsuccessfully to nurse my beautiful baby and she was crying, and I was crying and my panic faced husband hid in the kitchen. In tears, I called the hotline and almost before those familiar words "Baby bootie hotline" were out of the nurses mouth, I began to sob out my story. I sprang into a high pitched tone voicing my feelings of my frustrations, my fears and my incompetence.  I was in the middle of my tirade explaining what I really thought of breast feeding, when I hear the nurse say "Janette?"  Wow, I must have really called them too many times, no wait....."Theresa?"  Yup, it was the voice of my life long friend Theresa at the other end of the line. If you know Theresa, you know she did not just say "Janette?" She said it with hint of laughter to her voice.  I was busted, she now knew I was a complete idiot.

To hear Theresa tell the story, while in the middle of my melt down I admitted to finding breast feeding repulsive. Did I really say that??? I am guessing so.  Basically she told me that if I didn't want to nurse, then don't do it. hmmm..."But my doctor thinks I am doing it, don't I have to wait to discuss it with him?"  Her answer was simple "She's your baby, you can do what ever you want."   The answer to my problem was so easy I could not even see it! She was my baby and I could make the decissions. That was the last time I felt the need to call the baby bootie hotline.

Over the years this story has been told and retold, and Theresa and I always laugh!

Small stuff

I have a really good friend, Darlene, that I miss all the time. Years ago she gave me a magnet that has been on my refrigerator for so long that sometimes I don't even see it anymore.

But then when I see it again I just smile.  It says:

Surrender to the fact that life isn't fair.

Don't sweat the small stuff.

This makes me smile because it had a special meaning that only her and I got,

and we could giggle together about.

Now I look at this magnet and tho I am smiling and feeling close to my friend, I can see the words in a different meaning. No, life is not fair, but life is life. And thinking about the fact that you can't sweat the small stuff and knowing that I have accepted this concept makes me see how much my family and I have healed. I am thankful for the fact that as I write on my blog, I can feel healing. I can see that maybe by the fact that I seem to write less often is also a healing thought.

The fishing hole

As mentioned before, when we were growing up we spent alot of our time in Sterling Nebraska.  Because my dads favorite hobby has always been fishing, we spent a lot of time at various ponds during these visits. There was always one favorite fishing hole that my dad would take me to. I suppose my mom and siblings would go there too, I just don't remember.

It took determination to get to this fishing spot. We would pile into the car and drive down the high way. Somehow my dad always knew the exact place to pull off on the side of the road and park. If my memory serves me correctly (and it may not, but this is my story so this is how I will choose to tell it) we would be on some sort of farmers road and have to walk. In case you don't know what a farmers road is, I will try to describe it. A farmers road is not really a road at all. It is just a spot by the farmers land where he could drive to get to the other side of the field. Generally he drove on this non road so often that there would be 2 tire paths in the weeds. So we would walk down this tire path farmer road with weeds as tall as I was and trees on each side that shaded us. In my memory I worked hard to keep up with my dad because I had to carry  all of the fishing poles, maybe even the tackle box.  We would get to the fishing hole down by the rail road tracks and I would have to stand in place while dad would walk on and check out the site before letting me continue on down to the water. One time I could hear all kinds of kids laughing so I asked my dad what the heck those kids were doing and why I always had to wait while he checked things out. He told me he was making sure that the kids were not skinny dipping. It never occurred to me until years later that maybe I would have wanted to see what skinny dippers looked like, but dad must have figured it was something I shouldn't see.

Finally after all that work we would be able to get started fishing. This little spot was more of a small creek shaded by trees with water so clear you could see the fish swimming around.  We used to catch fish after fish...again, my memory and maybe a small bit of a fish story, but I am sure we caught alot. When done, we would tromp back to the car. 

 Was this a great place to go to with my dad, or a great place to go because I went there with my dad?

Happy Birthday Dad, thanks for all the great memories.

Net

My ordinary Hero

Through out these last years of hardship, I have come to know and respect many people, one of which I will always view as a hero. At this moment I can see him rolling his eyes and completely ignoring the fact that I have referred to him as a hero. He is a relative on my husband's fathers side. I had seen this person only a very small number of times and had never spoken to him. People would point him out to me and always comment on the fact that he is the black sheep of the family. It would never be a comment that was made to be mean, just a fact. I laugh at that now because if I were to call him a black sheep he would not have that same roll of the eyes reaction he would have if I were to refer to him as a hero.

Once my son got into trouble, my mother-in-law suggested I contact this relative since he had gone through the same thing we were now experiencing. She called him and he told her to give me his phone number. The first time he came to our house to get my son, I will admit to having been extremely intimidated. This is a vary large man, well over 6 feet tall with a booming voice to match. He had an unlit cigar in the corner of his mouth, which I now know is as part of his wardrobe as are his shoes. He mentored my son and took him to AA meetings. He called and checked up on us and was viewed by us as a very good part of our family.  At the first meeting with our lawyer, it was suggested that we contact a person the attorney knew who "has turned AA into a religion." Who did he suggest you ask??   The very hero in which I am writing about.
I had also learned from friends that knew of him, that when he speaks at AA functions, people stand in line to hear him.

My hero came to my son's sentencing and sat right behind us. When the sentence was delivered, I heard a gasp from a woman behind us and I also heard my hero jump up and slam the court room door open. I did not look back to see this happen, I just remember that I knew it was him. And I remember being glad that someone had the reaction I wished I could have had, if I had not had the air knocked out of me and some sort of paralysis take over my entire body. I have heard my mother-in-law praise this relatives actions and am sure that she may be the reason he would no longer be referred to as the black sheep of the family.

(I do know for a fact that this label amused him).

I have heard from my hero a couple of times by phone, but had recently seen him while paying respect at an uncles funeral. My hero would never come forward in a crowd but instead, remains comfortable in the back. We made our way to him and what would be the first thing from his mouth?

"Come here and give me a hug"

followed by one of the biggest bear hugs I have ever gotten.

I call him a hero for the things he had done for my family. I call him an ordinary hero for the fact that he would honestly not understand why I would be grateful for anything he has ever done for us. 

Whether quietly standing in the back at a mortuary or slamming out of a court room,

I am in awe of this man.

Net

An Easter Memory

Time has gotten away from me and now my Easter memory is coming one day late.

When we were growing up we spent alot of time in Sterling Nebraska. My parents grew up there and we often spent weekends with both of my grandmothers and other assorted relatives.

One Easter weekend while at my Grandma Marie's house, my dad tried to kill the Easter Bunny.

I was in the kitchen with grandma and my dad was working in the garden. We looked outside in time to see my dad actually chasing the Easter Bunny out of the garden. He was running, while violently shaking a rake or a hoe up in the air, and that poor bunny was scampering away for dear life.

This was truly a scene straight out of a fairy tale book.

I know this bunny was the real Easter Bunny because when we ran outside the door we found the easter eggs that were so tenderly left with love for us to find.

Thank goodness the bunny, who was just doing his Easter job, was a little quicker than dad.

Net

Spring!

Today I randomly pulled up one of the pictures that my kids have taken just to see what story I can come up with. It only took me 4  tries to find one that I thought I could write about. Today is one of those days you dream about all winter. It is nice enough to open the windows, perhaps do a few things in the yard, and most definately walk outside with your bare feet knowing that we may have atleast one more snow this year.

Spring is when everything feels so clean and new. Soon we will be out at our campers every weekend and then....

not a thing will get done around the house.  

I decided that I have waited too long for my new floor boards to be put up. They have been stained and left on a shelf in the garage for well over 10 years. I got the miter saw out and prepared to begin my project. Of course once Dave realizes what I am about to attempt, he decides to do the job. We got enough boards cut for the front room, the hall, and the bathroom. At that point I let Dave convience me that we would get the air hammer out another day and actually put the floorboards in.

This decision gives me time to see that I need to repaint the bathroom walls.  Can't repaint the walls without fixing the drywall above the shower. Can't fix the the wall above the shower until I buy the supplies. Can't buy the supplies until pay day.  Now I remember why those floor boards are not installed yet,

its all the projects that need to be done first.

I Love Spring!

Net

Dump-n-Bake

Dave is a great cook. He likes to look up recipes and try them out. His cheese cake is awesome and his smoked ribs are to die for. Maybe this is the reason I am so shocked at some of his less creative meals. I am thinking it is a mid-life man thing becasue I remember my dad also getting creative in the kitchen with a few less than desirable meals. There was even a time his meal was green. I don't remember that happening,

but the story is legend at our house.

I have named some of Dave's cassaroles Dump-n-Bake. He opens the refrigerator door, grabs items and dumps them together. Amber and I have worked hard to make him realize that just because you glue everything together with what ever Cambells soup you can find and then cement it with cheddar cheese...

a meal this does not make.

A few weeks ago he made a version of tater tot cassarole....I think. It had hamburger, beens, cream soup of some sort and tater tots. Good start. We think he tried to make the meal go a little further since with Amber and Pat here we needed to feed more. Well that is the reasoning I choose to believe. He then mixed in whole oyster crackers and tore string cheese into strips for the top and baked it.

I believe his feelings were hurt when we made fun of it.

The texture was really odd but it was edible.

This week was worse.   Again, a version of tater tot cassarole..again I think.  We had left over spegetti on the bottom layer. I am thinking there was a veggie in there some place. I know there was some kind of cream soup, I am thinking it was cream of broccoli. There was hamburger and cheese and tater tots. Thinking that it may not have enough liquid he squirted ranch dressing all over it.  Sorry Dave...it was, uh, it was bad.

He got a little defensive, But I noticed he did have a little smile on his face

as he took his plate of unfinished food to the sink.

I have asked him to please to never make dump-n-bake again.

Father Mike

Last summer, my friend Theresa's daughter Katie got married. A group of us went to the wedding together. I believe that I had only been to the Catholic church1 time since my son's sentencing. Before the sentencing we had started to go to another church which we really liked. For reasons unknown to even myself, I was moved to tears with the ceremony. Maybe because Katie was the first daughter of any of my friends to get married or maybe the ceremony itself.

Regardless of the reason, I found myself returning to the Catholic church.

Last month I set up a meeting with Father Mike not only to discuss my feelings of confusion but to also introduce myself as someone who was finding her way back. When I told him the story of my tears at the wedding, Father Mike looked me straight in the eye and said "you came home".

It was a simple statement but a "Wow" moment for me.

We discussed the coming birth of my grandchild.

His philosophy is that God is giving us this baby to help my husband heal.

Before I left, Father Mike gave me a medal of Mary that he had brought back from Italy. He told me to remember that Mary was also a mother in pain as she watched her son suffer.  

That also was a "Wow" moment. 

Net

My Favorite Kate-ism

My niece has a close friend, Katie, that lives across the street from her house. When those two get together you never really know what is going to happen. My favorite Kate-ism is something that was said to my sister. As usual, I will not get the quote exactly right, but I think I will come close.

One day Kate says to my sister

"Deb, did you ever feel like an ugly worm only to find you are a beautiful butterfly?"

Kate smiles when ever this quote is mentioned to her. She told me that she read it in a book, but I can not remember the book title or author.

I will say that there are more worm days for me than there are butterfly days,

but what an awesome lesson for a child.

Actually when I think of this quote (or knowing me...this almost quote) I think about how I should view a person from the inside. Don't get me wrong....sometimes an ugly worm is just a plain old ugly worm. There are times when people make it too easy for me to make them the butt of my jokes

or the reason for my iritability.

When I meet a person like that I just try to remember my favorite Kate-ism, I smile

 and look hard for that beautiful butterfly that must be inside of that person somewhere!

Net

Word of the Year

The first year after my family went through our storm, my word to concentrate on was Strength. I needed to search for the strength to be the mother my child needed, and to be the mother and wife that could help the rest of my family find a way to move forward in our lives.

I hope I succeeded, but I also know that sometimes I need to reach deep inside and revisit that word.

And in year two my word was acceptance. I concentrated on accepting the life that we now have. I worked to accept people from all walks of life because they may be hurting as much as I am. I wanted to accept that although my life was not perfect, it was my life and I was doing the best that I could.

I accept that some of these expectations were easy and some I would have to work hard to accomplish.

Whew!! I accept that my glass of wine really has my fingers

moving on this keyboard.  Ha.

This year, my word  is Hope. My friend Theresa took a bible class in which they had to pray to a saint. They were told to not pick a saint but to let the saint pick them. This is the same for my word of the year. For Christmas Amber gave me a  hanging picture. The photagrapher took pictures of things that looked like each letter in the word hope. 

The quote is - Most of the important things in the world have been accomplished by people who have kept trying when there seemed to be no hope at all - Dale Carneige

I love the picture and the quote and I feel my word has found me. I know that the ability to hang on to hope has been given to me.

Erik is doing well and I know he will someday be back home with us.

We also will have a new grandbaby that will bless us this year.

With this word, I feel I am really moving forward in my healing.

Net